Speak Spanish to Me

I am planning a trip to Portugal and Spain next year, and I need to learn some Portugese and Spanish.  So I'm calling on you'se guys to help me out here.

There are translator sites, but they don't really do the trick.  I need y'all to help me actually speak Spanish & Portugese in ways that the people I'm talking to won't think I'm a freaking idiot.

So here's what I'm proposing:

You people who are proficient in Spanish & Portugese teach me the phrases I need to know to travel throughout Portugal and Spain for about a month.

Where's the bathroom, the best food, the museum, a cheap hotel, a good hike, the best architecure...that kind of stuff.  Also, how do I talk to the natives?  Nice to meet you, your city is lovely, Salud, your children are lovely, etc.

How do I decline a food I don't care to eat without insulting my host?

How do I avoid insulting my hosts, overall?

I know there are a lot of worldly-wise kossacks around here.  Some ex-pats too.  

Help me out.  I plan to travel next year, so we have plenty of time to get me up to snuff.

Let me know what to expect in the culture, & how to speak the language.

I am planning on a train trip. We fly into Lisbon, then hop the train,  so advice is also welcome on that.

This is a low-rent adventure, so don't give me advice on any 5 star hotels.  

I'm talking budget here, as low as a 57 year old traveling with a 19 year old can manage, without the 57 year old, (who is paying), being too uncomfortable.  Just some basic comforts, like a bathroom, a bed, and some cheap restaurants.

Habla Espanol o Portugese?

Talk to me.